Bad Fanfiction
by CTHKSI
Summary: As the title suggests, this is a bad fanfic. Er...basically Alanna yelling at me for daring to do a self-insert...


** Bad Fanfiction  
**  
Erm......if you reeeeeally hate self-inserts who are better than all the other characters, I suggest you skip this part and start right after the other dotted line. But I don't think you'll get the story...  
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** In Which the Savior Arrives and Kicks Everybody's Butt  
**  
Now Crystal was an ordinary girl. One day, she opens the door to her room and finds a huge swirly orange portal. Of course, being the brave and adventurous girl she is, she calmly steps in.  
  
Far away, in the land of Tortall, Alanna was arguing with King Jon, possibly the stupidest king alive, watched by Kel, Raoul, Daine, Numair, Thayet, and a bunch of other people. What they were arguing about was of no consequence because it didn't matter. For at that moment, a swirly green portal opened up above Jon and Crystal fell through, landing awkwardly on Jon's head.  
  
Thinking it was an attack on their beloved king, the King's Own charge and attacked Crystal. Of course, Crystal, being the brilliant person she is, knowing a variety of martial arts, brought the entire guard onto its knees. Seeing his incapacitated pathetic guard, he saw the potential in Crystal. Naturally, at that moment, invaders from Scanran and evil immortals decided to attack.  
  
Needless to say, they got past all defenses because they were all dead drunk (Sir Myles' influence is spreading). Seeing that she had stretched already, Crystal decided to kill all those icky immortals and smash all those sickening Scanranians by herself.  
  
Seeing this mighty warrior, and being the idiot he is, King Jon said, "Whoa. I'll make a bet with you. If you can defeat Alanna in a duel, Daine in magic, and win a game of BS against Kel, Raoul, Numair, and Thayet, I'll let you take my throne. If you lose to any of them, you'll have to serve me and my family for the rest of your life."  
  
Of course, that fathead only made that bet because he believed that nobody could get past Kel's Yamani mask/poker face.  
  
"I accept," was the answer.  
  
"What the hell...?" said our practically-forced-defenders-of-the-royal-bet simultaneously.  
  
"Whatever. Just obey my every whim." said Jon.  
  
In the duel with Alanna, Crystal had somewhere, somehow, drudged up a sort of harpoon with a weird mechanism at the end. Calling this strange weapon Hyperion, Crystal proceeded to fight. After a few lazy passes, the challenger simply shot Alanna with her gunblade.  
  
To make things short, Crystal apparently also had a great store of magic. Plainly, she turned Daine into a beetle and stuck her in a jar with an Unbreakable Charm.  
  
Now, the BS game was harder.  
  
(If you don't know what BS is, it's a cardgame where you have to cheat. You're supposed to put down a card facedown, saying that it's an Ace. Then the next person puts another card, saying it's a 2. And so on and so forth. Obviously, nobody has all the right cards, so if you find out (or presume that) somebody's lying, you yell out "BS!". That card is flipped over; if the person was lying s/he gets the whole pile, if the person was telling the truth, you get the whole pile. The point of the game is to get rid of all your cards, by the way.)  
  
They were all sitting around the table, staring at the cards being passed to them, scrutinizing each other. Or in Thayet's case, gazing into her mirror. Kel composed herself. Raoul turned into a block of wood (no, not literally). Numair wondered where the hell he was. And...Crystal applied her master technique. Simply, she BSed everybody until she had enough cards ensure that everybody was lying. Then she'll just BS everybody until they're too annoyed of all this BS and just give up.  
  
And that's what happened.  
  
At a loss for words, Jon stood there. His champion, his wildmage, and his...er......butt-kicking-glaive-swinging-lady-knight had utterly failed him. Failed.  
  
Seizing this moment of silence, Crystal gently chivvied him out of the throne and then proceeded to rule majestically for the rest of all time.  
  
THE END A/N note: Wheee! That was wonderful wasn't it? Don't you just love my new character? Totally rocks. REVIEW!!!! :D  
  
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"That. Was. The. Most. Pathetic. Piece. Of. BS. I. Have. Ever. Read." intoned Alanna in a I'm-going-to-kill-you sort of voice.  
  
"Um.....I take it you didn't like it...then?" Crystal gulped nervously.  
  
She was sitting in Sir Myles' classroom in front of her laptop. An enraged Lady Knight was between her and the door, barring all chances of escape. The windows offered no exits either. And the above-mentioned Lady Knight was in a rather scary mood, slowly tapping her newly sharpened sword on the slowly eroding stone floor.  
  
"I HATED IT!!! What the hell was it with me getting killed within the first two paragraphs of the story??"  
  
"Actually....er....I think it was the tenth paragraph, as a matter of fact."  
  
"Same difference! And did you notice that you made no disclaimers whatsoever? I'm going to be so happy when you get sued and lose everything! Bwa ha ha ha..."  
  
"Fine. I don't own anything. Everything belongs to Tamora Pierce. Happy?"  
  
"What in the name of Mithros do you mean 'everything'?? I don't belong to anybody!"  
  
"Um....apparently under US law, you're the creation, and therefore the property, of Tamora Pierce."  
  
".....I'll get her later. But first, were you actually thinking when you wrote this? Look, you mentioned Hyperion, obviously a product of Final Fantasy VIII. And that bug in the jar charmed with an Unbreakable Charm? Definitely from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Are you crazy? Do you just want people to sue you?"  
  
"Whoa. I didn't even notice that. Thanks."  
  
"....me and my big mouth...."  
  
""  
  
"-.- Anyway, here's what I brought you here for."  
  
"There's a purpose to this?"  
  
"YES! Anyway, since you're so good at writing bad fanfiction that focuses on one specific character..."  
  
"Hey. That hurts, you know."  
  
"Whatever. I want you to write a fanfic glorifying ME! ME ME ME!!!!"  
  
"What makes you think you can make me do that?"  
  
Alanna resumes the tapping of the sword.  
  
"Okay, okay. Geez, you're a tough old geezer."  
  
"What did you call me?!"  
  
"Um...I didn't call you anything. I said, did you want to be called Alanna the Best Warrior Ever or Alanna the Sexy Goddess?"  
  
"Hm....I like the sound of both of them. Well, what are you waiting for? Start typing!"  
  
"Okay, okay. Chapter...Two...Alanna....the...Violent...Uncute...Macho...Chick..."  
  
"WHAT? Now you're quoting Ranma ½?? Take back that comment and type faster!"  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
Man, that was bad. Don't ask me why I'm even posting this. I'd probably not do that chapter two either. Ack.  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own anything there. Except for myself. All respective stuff belongs to Tamora Pierce, Ranma ½, Square/Enix, J. K. Rowling, and anything else I forgot. 


End file.
